Broken

How do you get over a broken heart? I seem to have tried it all, but I think the worst part about this one is that I had a major role playing in my broken heart. As I look back, there's so much I did wrong. I wasn't appreciative, I was jealous, I wasn't always trustworthy. I gave my all though, and that takes a lot. I have a hard hard hard time letting people in my life, because it seems to me that every time I do- I get hurt. I learned that it was easier for me to care about people, than to let anyone care about me. I had my walls up, way up, and they weren't coming down for anyone- until he came. 

I'm sure many ladies feel the same way I feel, but no situation is the same. I hate when people tell me they know what it feels like, because they don't- they don't know me. We all hurt differently, and I've really came to the conclusion that every one in this world is hurting in some way. Even if you try to deny it, I don't think there's a person who is 100% happy. I think there's a lot of people like me who have just learned to pretend to be happy, to pretend to be okay. 

I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of hurting every single night. I'm tired of wondering what if. I'm tired of you, your name, your phone number, your ring tone, your love, your friendship, your laugh, your mixed signals. 

I'm tired. 

I just don't know how to make things better. I've done all I could and that wasn't enough to make him come back, so how do I let go? Each day I try to be okay, but I'm not. As much as I hate to let people in, I also hate to feel alone. I hate that I make myself feel alone because I push people out. 

I cling to the thought that one day all this pain and suffering will be worth it. I hope for that day. But, I can't try to convince myself that finding someone else will make my pain go away, only I can do that. I just don't know how. I know that I have been blessed with so much in my life, but I can't help feeling empty. There's a void that has been missing since we ended. I need the void filled.