Oops

Sorry I haven't updated in a while- it's been a prettttttty hectic past days! 

Here we go: 

I had the privilege of spending this past weekend in Texas with one of my dearest friends. It was her wedding weekend, and I was a bridesmaid! So, I was super excited about this, but I won't lie- I was nervous. What if I fell? What if I screwed up? What if I ruined her day some how? I tried my hardest to take care of everything I could. It's safe to say that I grew a lOT as a person during this event. For one, I believe my friendship with her grew. I was so honored to be  apart of a day that she will never forget. I got to meet some pretty awesome people, that if it weren't for her- I wouldn't have in my life. I got to witness first hand the unending love between two people, that made my heart MELT. I also realized, that dreams come true. 

For as long as I've known my friend, I've always felt like her one dream was to love and to be truly loved back. Now as we all know in this world, sometimes our dreams come true. From the ups and downs, she may have felt like she would never get to this point in her life- but she did. She didn't give up the fight, and didn't back down. There were many things trying to pull them apart, but they didn't let it. From family issues, to friends, to anything- but their love survived. What a beautiful thing. I'm so happy that I can honestly say that she is happy. And no, it's not just a "settling" happy- it is a pure bliss 100% happy. I wish words could express how pleased this makes me. She deserves the love she finally found. 

There's something else I learned.. We have to be open to change. I'm sure that both families are changing because they are opening their homes to new sons/daughters. It's hard to let change in, but we have to realize that when we truly love someone, we are willing to accept their decisions. It was so great to see the changes of hearts in some people this past weekend. Families were BUILT, and it was great. 

I was taught that someone will love me for me. And, that's not something I should doubt. I should never settle to just have something that is half. I can't wait for the day God brings this man to me. I have full trust, and faith- that He will. I know the man I want, but I have to be willing to let God be in control, and learn to want what He wants for me. (After all, he does know best.)

To my dearest friends- 

Thank you for letting me spend part of your day. I love you both, more and more everyday. Remember that in life, nothing is perfect- even the things that we believe should be. Through the ups and downs, remember the love you both have for each other at this very moment, and your life will be great. Never give up on each other. 

Also, I caught the bouquet, after an intense battle. Which means, I hope you all prepare for my bridezilla ways. :0

God

I hope I'm not the only one in this world that can just sit and think. In fact, I know there's no way I'm the only one who ever does that. God is amazing. Now, don't stop reading. This isn't going to be one of those things that is trying to make you believe what I believe. I just want to take you on the journey of my life...

September 15, 1990 I was born. I wasn't supposed to survive, neither was my mama- but 20 years later- we're still here. GOD chose for that to happen. Obviously, God has a great plan for myself and my mom, who knows when we will finally figure it all out, but we will.
The first thing I really remember about my childhood is my best friend dying. 9 years ago today, it still hurts. I still cry, in fact I don't see ever not crying over him. BUT, now they're starting to turn into tears of joy- the joy of knowing him, the joy of being blessed with him. John taught me more than any 16 year old boy should teach a little girl. When he passed away, I truly believe I ran away from my childhood. I learned at the age of 11 that life was too short. I never wanted to be the girl with so much heart break in my life, but that's how it turned out. I have learned to truly believe in the two phrases
a. Everything happens for a reason.
b. God won't give to you anything He hasn't prepared you for.

This life isn't our own. It is His, we are living for Him! Now, there are so many times when I know this, but it is hard to live by. We want to be in control, but we're not. We think that if we send one more text message, we'll make things work out. NOTHING WILL WORK OUT IF GOD DOESN'T WANT IT TO. Sometimes, the things we humans work our hardest to keep together are the things God himself is working to tear apart. We must listen to Him.

My faith has been a rollercoaster my whole life, but that's because I treat my relationship with Jesus like a friendship. To me, he is not someone I should be scared of, or worried about being a certain way to impress him. He accepts me as who I am, I was made to be like him! He knows that I screw up, A LOT. But God answers every sinners prayers. He may not answer how we want, but I promise they are answered.

I shouldn't be here today, that is a fact. I know that. I'm thankful that God is letting me still be here, that shows that it's time for me to find His plan he has for me and live it. No more worry, no more trying to be in control. I want love, and to be loved, and to love- more than anything. I believe God called me to serve the world with my love, my heart is huge! Sometimes so huge it hurts me. But, there's a reason. FOR EVERYTHING.

Things will hurt, but we must have faith that He will pull us through.

XO!

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason,you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilleed; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on. - By: Brian A. "Drew" Chalker

Complainers

I may be the only person in the world who sees things the way I do. But, when I speak about my feelings and emotions, I'm not doing it to complain. I'm being honest. I'm not going to be the person who holds everything in, and is always so hunky-dorey, because I'm not. I'm honest. I know for a fact that things going on in my life can relate to someone else, maybe even help them. That is why I'm open about the things I'm feeling. I don't want people's pity, or their concern, or anything. I do it for myself, and to help others. BUT, I do believe there are some people who do complain, a lot.

I know at the end of the day, I'm more than blessed. NO matter the amount of hurt or pain I've had that day, my troubles are minimal compared to some people in this world. I know my intentions when I'm honest about my feelings isn't to get people's attention or to make people feel bad for me, I do it to help.

So the complainers, I really sometimes want to punch you. That's the truth. Here's some situations:
1. You worked so many hours. Dude, that's your choice. You made your schedule, and no one is tying a rope around your head making you work. We ALL do what we have to do. You won't get my pity, because I've been there. I've gone weeks working everyday in a row, and not getting appreciated for it. It happens, it's life- move on.
2. Although your problems could be more serious then mine, I'm not stupid. I know that I am a person who takes everyone's issues on as my own, and do what I can to help you- but please don't only talk to me when something is wrong in your life, because I'm not stupid. I know you just want someone to listen and respond meaningfully, just tell me that. Don't act like I'm your best friend.
3. The guy screwed you over. NO he didn't, you screwed yourself over. He numerously has told you that he doesn't want a relationship or anything like that, so don't get pissed at him when he does something wrong. Get off his back and let him be. He is a human, and frankly I think you should be happy that he was honest enough to tell you that he doesn't want a relationship, instead of leading you on completely. YOU put yourself in the situation, and you choose to not get out of it. If you want a relationship, find someone who does. Don't turn every situation into something more because it involves him. He will let you down, in fact he can- he's not your boy, your man, he's your friend, and you happen to let him behave like it's more. Sounds like a personal problem to me.

Alright, done bitching. Ladies, suck it up. This life is rough, no one said it was going to be so peachy. People will treat you the way you allow them to. Remember that.

Broken

How do you get over a broken heart? I seem to have tried it all, but I think the worst part about this one is that I had a major role playing in my broken heart. As I look back, there's so much I did wrong. I wasn't appreciative, I was jealous, I wasn't always trustworthy. I gave my all though, and that takes a lot. I have a hard hard hard time letting people in my life, because it seems to me that every time I do- I get hurt. I learned that it was easier for me to care about people, than to let anyone care about me. I had my walls up, way up, and they weren't coming down for anyone- until he came. 

I'm sure many ladies feel the same way I feel, but no situation is the same. I hate when people tell me they know what it feels like, because they don't- they don't know me. We all hurt differently, and I've really came to the conclusion that every one in this world is hurting in some way. Even if you try to deny it, I don't think there's a person who is 100% happy. I think there's a lot of people like me who have just learned to pretend to be happy, to pretend to be okay. 

I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of hurting every single night. I'm tired of wondering what if. I'm tired of you, your name, your phone number, your ring tone, your love, your friendship, your laugh, your mixed signals. 

I'm tired. 

I just don't know how to make things better. I've done all I could and that wasn't enough to make him come back, so how do I let go? Each day I try to be okay, but I'm not. As much as I hate to let people in, I also hate to feel alone. I hate that I make myself feel alone because I push people out. 

I cling to the thought that one day all this pain and suffering will be worth it. I hope for that day. But, I can't try to convince myself that finding someone else will make my pain go away, only I can do that. I just don't know how. I know that I have been blessed with so much in my life, but I can't help feeling empty. There's a void that has been missing since we ended. I need the void filled. 

Suspicion

"Trust" : it takes so long to gain it, and only seconds to destroy it.

Crazy that something doesn't even have to happen to ruin your trust in some people, sometimes just being suspicious of it is enough to ruin trust. Now, I'm not talking about boyfriend girlfriend crap, I'm talking about with anyone. It can be any kind of relationship you are in, a friendship, a family, a working relationship. Think about it, how many times have you gotten mad or hurt by something, and you didn't even know if it happened? It's so hard in this world to not judge by what you hear. That's why my mama always tells me to be careful with my friends, because you can be guilty by association, and majority of the time you are. So, why do we hang out and have relations with people when we kNOW it's going to cause some kind of problem? Is drama just that fun? Cuz I missed out on the fun drama if that's the case..

My thoughts are basically this: When you do something, and you know it's wrong- stop and think..... If you heard that Jilly Willy did the same thing you were just doing, you'd be gossiping and judging her. But, if you do it yourself, is that okay? Why are we so quick to forgive ourselves for our mistakes, but it can take forever to forgive someone else?

Long story short- don't live your lives through the what ifs. I promise you that you will have enough hardship in your life on it's own, that you don't need to make your own. Live for the moment, and trust until you've been given a reason not to. Would you rather go through your whole life alone knowing you never let anyone in, or know that you had a heart to give someone a chance, and they screwed it up? Don't judge everyone based on what one person has done to you.

XO!

Boys.

Boys, what a controversial subject.. Let me take you on a journey...

So it's a Friday night and you start getting ready for the evening's festivities. You're getting your make up on, you've picked out your outfit, and you're thinking to yourself, "hhmm, I think I look pretty good!" Your number one intention of going out is to just have fun, but then you have this thought in the back of your mind, "I wonder if I'll meet any cute guys tonight, that'd be fun." Don't lie to yourself, I KNOW I'm not the only girl who thinks that. Then you start thinking some more, "Will he like me, do I look good enough, am I skinny enough, is my hair perfect?" Now don't get me wrong, I love my single life, but I always think what life would be like if I was someone who had someone, I wonder if I'd be more happy with a guy around..

So skip forward a couple hours and you're out on the town, gimpin' around in your heels because you thought more people would notice you. You're at the bar and you see this cute guy, and your mind starts racing, without even noticing you start smiling a little different, playing with your hair, sippin' your drink through your straw in a way that you think is so cute.. you're doing practically anything to grab his attention besides standing up and "accidentally spilling your drink on him." (I know that thought has gone through your mind.) Us girls are so guilty of it! We thrive off of a man's attention, but why?

Wait a second, the guys walking your way, crap crap crap, is all that's going through your mind, reminding yourself what's your name and where you go to school, he shoots you this sly smile, you smile back, he's almost to you......... he keeps walking. BAM denied. WHY?

You turn around and notice that he's now about to probably shack up with this girl and you think, bimbo. She's skinny, you wonder if she's eaten. She's doing the "haha I'm drunk, I'm cute" act, you're thinking she's had one drink. She has on this tight skirt, tight shirt, highER heels, and you think "she's trying too hard." Is she? Or is she just doing what you were trying to do, but in a different way.

Now ladies, guys are VISUAL beings. If they see something, they will call you a tease if they don't get it. So why do we DRESS to get a male's attention, what are we really trying to get? a boyfriend? or someone who's going to show you attention? Cuz trust me, those two people can be the same, but they can be completely different at the same time. A man who's in it for the right reasons, isn't going to be staring at your outfit the whole time, he's going to try and figure you out. But don't give it all away too soon, because then the mystery is gone.

So don't feel bad when you're out and a guy gives some other girl dressed like a bimbo his attention. Trust yourself that someone will like you for you, someone will come along and make all the hurt and rejection and break ups worth it. Don't be so anxious that you settle. As soon as you settle, every guy with the wrong intentions will flock for you.

And when that EX calls you up and tells you that he misses you- tell him thank you because you are a missable person. But each day he misses you, it's HIM deciding to not be with you.

Welcome! :)

Alrighty ladies and gents,

This is my first post (obviously). I'm a 20 year old girl, just trying to make it in this world! I have a lot of random thoughts and stories and things that catch my eye, that I'd love to share with everyone. Who knows if this blog will pick up?! Guess we will have to wait and see, so bear with me for a bit! I promise it'll be worth your time.

I won't promise that my thoughts and rambles will always be happy, but I promise that they will always end positive. If you don't like the truth, I don't suggest reading this blog.

Here goes nothin'..